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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
Camping is fun if you`re into pretending that you`re homeless.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can`t do is pick up it`s own poop. You`re just a poop collector.
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Co-worker: My wife`s an angel. Me: You`re lucky, mine`s still alive.
I am NOT high maintenance, I simply have more preferences than most.
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...