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Roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.
I just did a weeks worth of cardio after I walked into a spider`s web.