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I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, `13...13....13...13.` The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting. `14...14...14...14....
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
Shot my first turkey today...scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was awesome!
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
When I think of all the money I`ve spent on booze in my life, I wish I had it all back. Imagine all the booze I could buy!
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.