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Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.
I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.