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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
I really should learn to say "congratulations" instead of "are you keeping it?"
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
Neighbors just kicked me out of their shower and called the cops. Some of these pokemon go instructions are confusing. A lot of grey area...
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..