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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
Gym Update: Not there.
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.
I don`t know why I even bother chewing corn.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn
Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.