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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
"Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I`M ASKING THEM"
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
If your significant other is mad at you, put a cape on them and say "Now you`re super mad!" If they laugh marry them.
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
I´m not insensitive, I just don´t care.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
Let’s just call a vacation what it is: the opportunity to live like an alcoholic for a little while.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.