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Cashiers are always checking me out.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
If listening to stupid people burned calories, I`d be a supermodel.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.