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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I`ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
I`m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all ...
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
I`m laying on my yoga mat making up fake poses to fit my current activity level. Right now I`m in "downward facing chalk outline".
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?