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Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
Ha = I didn`t find that funny. Haha = That was funny. Hahahahaha = I want to sleep with you.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
I have a stalker. Everywhere I go, she`s always there, 10 paces ahead of me...
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"