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Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
The wife and I never really argue except on where to vacation. I wanna go to the beach and she wants to come with me
So far my bracket is perfect! I can`t wait to fill the rest of it in.
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!