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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f*ck down.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don`t be open.
The Mrs said she we need a "conversation piece" in the living room. I`m thinking taco cart...
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them