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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I may look like I`m doing nothing, but in my head I`m quite busy.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
If money can’t buy happiness explain pizza.
I don`t have dirty mind ...I just hav a sexy imagination. ..
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.