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You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don’t go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.
If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure
Hey guy in the car behind me... Honking your horn isn`t going to help me type any faster.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass
*spits out animal cracker* This doesn`t even taste like hippo.
B!tch Please, your only fan is the one on your ceiling.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit"