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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
That Awkward Moment when you Greet you Brother on some random website. Brett to Daniel. sup Lerch!
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
Feeling so good today ... High-five the person next to you and tell them it`s from me.
watching porn is like finding happiness in other enjoyment.....
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....