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There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
Summer is almost over...All you half-naked people are gonna need to find a personality.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
My favorite thing about working out is the part where I decide not to.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
I`ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don`t have the game so I may need new meds...
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.