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I`m not really your friend until I start insulting you on a daily basis.
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
"There`s strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.