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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
The best way to deal with dumb people is to never leave your house sober
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
I`d like to give you a big thumb`s-up. But I`m afraid that would be the wrong finger.