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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
People who say, β€œHappy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
My mind has a mind of its own.
Whenever I hear someone say β€œSTOP” my brain says β€œHammer Time”
If you love something,, let it go..... That`s EXACTLY what I`ve done with my body....
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.