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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
Still haven`t taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
My mind has a mind of its own.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
If you love something,, let it go..... That`s EXACTLY what I`ve done with my body....
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.