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I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
Today is National I Don`t Feel Like Doing Sh!t Day. Celebrate accordingly.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.
i made a chicken salad the other day. little bastard didn`t even eat it.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?