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MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while it´s still snowing
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock at 6am is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.