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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
Immature >>> A word boring people use to describe fun people..
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
Home: Where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
Forgotten pocket money is the best!