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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
Love your neighbor ... but don`t get caught.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
I don`t have the blood alcohol level to deal with you
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
You are living proof that the Lord is testing me.
Abaaabbbbaaabbbaabbbaabb..... Long time no ` C ` ; P
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat