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If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
My bank balance is a constant reminder that I`m safe from identity theft
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don`t know yet though she`s still in bed
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window