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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
Non alcohilic beer, for people who like to pee but hate that annoying buzz.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
I swear... my remote just decides to take random vacations sometimes.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.