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Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join a XXX facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really big shirts.
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
Do angry people know about naps?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"