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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
If you`ve never put fake blood capsules in your mouth before going to the dentist you are too mature to be my friend.
I’m late for a disappointment.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
I hate it when I open Facebook and miss a week of work.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.