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If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
I bet the hardest part of working the poison control hotline is not finishing your sentences with "...you ignorant dumbass"
Reminiscing isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Never take advice from me, you`ll only end up drunk......
My parents told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!” so I turned on the subtitles.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.