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Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
I miss the life I planned in my head.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
Yoga pants are just push up bras for your butt.
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
"Baby on Board" Oh really? Thanks for letting me know. I was about to ram into your car but now I won`t.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.