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My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
I guess if you spoke your mind, you´d be speechless, huh?
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.