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Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Is it too early for extra nog in my egg?
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, "try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal."
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I`m so confused
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.