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I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
Nothing screws up your Friday more than realizing it’s only Tuesday.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!