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The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
Helpful Tip : Never ask the cop to hold your beer while you dig out your drivers license.
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
People who say "Don`t mix drugs with alcohol"" ... they`re stupid, right?
I`m just saying a sarcasm font could go a loooong way!
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
I think I may have misunderstood my boss yesterday when she told me that she wanted to see me hard at work