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I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
" I don`t watch much tv" proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
Whenever someone ends their status with "LOL" I know it`s a repost, cuz...who the hell laughs at their own statuses? LMAO!
I know the voices aren`t real but they have some great ideas.
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.
I just bought some new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said to remove the top and push up bottom. My butt hurts now but every time I fart the room smells awesome.