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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Mom: How are your grades this semester? Me:.... Mom:.... Me: Mother what`s important is that we have our health
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Stop complaining about being single!!, we have bigger problems here. Like why McDonalds don`t serve breakfast after 10:30 -.-
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.