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“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
If a woman shaves her legs for you, at least every other day, in the Winter time, it`s Love.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
You know what is cheaper than therapy? ... Admitting you`re batshit crazy and running with it.
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!