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I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
if your an astronaut, and you don`t end a relationship with "look, I just need space.." then your wasting everyones time
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
The biggest lie I tell myself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.