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Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
can be sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, welcoming, loyal, trust-worthy, forgiving, understanding, and giving. But not to today!
When I see someone walking more than one dog I always think, "wow, that person must be really blind."
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....