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Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
We should really thank our Dads for bringing us into this world since our Moms were probably tired and not in the mood.
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.