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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
I`d rather be in a relationship where no one wears the pants.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
You know you`re old when all of the bands you listened to growing up have several greatest hits albums.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that Iād have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
I walked briskly with scissors today. Iām pretty wild.
Friends are like slinkys, they are twisted as heck but you can`t help but laugh when they fall down the stairs.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.