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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
Wow.. I didn`t know spandex could hold that much.
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!
I don`t know karate, but I do know crazy, and I`m not afraid to use it.