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Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
Balloons think they’re so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, “Pfft.”
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
People are obsessed with the front seat of the car but when you get in a bus, you go straight to the back
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
Somehow I`m not nearly as overjoyed with this vegetable slicer as the woman on the infomercial was.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.
I wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
"Is everything OK?" "Well, I`ve been kind of down since the divorce..." "I meant with your pasta, sir."