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I have decided to stop doing things "Like a Boss" and will now do things "Like a Rhinestone Cowboy."
(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
I`m not sure what post it was that caused me to lose 2 more Facebook friends today, but if I find out which one it was I will make sure to post it again....
When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.