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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I don`t know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
My body needs a refresh button.
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there