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If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
So your baby doesn`t know any tricks at all?
Illiterate? Well then sign up today for free online reading classes!
I’m not lazy, I just really enjoy doing nothing.
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.