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Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
“Let me rephrase this question so I can get pissed off at you all over again.” - WOMEN
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I hope the meteorite crash in Russia doesn`t affect the price of Vodka!
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.