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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
Where there`s a will I want to be in it
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
My son wants to be a shrink when he grows up... Clearly I`ve failed to teach him our family`s place in the psychiatric process...
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
Girls are supposed to dance. That`s why god gave them parts that jiggle.