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I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
I`ve always pictured myself taking selfies.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Remember the good ole days when we had to get out of bed to use the Internet.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
Don`t blame me, I was born awesome ;)
be smart, pretend to be stupid!
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is police.