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The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
superbowl: the only time I actually look forward to watching commericals.
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don`t want myself to know about.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
Don’t ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you’re taking her to eat. Then take her to her first guess.
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
You only live once is the most reassuring thing I`ve ever heard.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.