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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
To a woman, sexual harassment is when a man makes advances towards her. If a woman makes advances towards a man, we call that getting lucky.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
Up to date Girl Scout cookie sales by states: California: 138,000 Boxes Florida: 129,000 Boxes Virginia: 126,000 Boxes Colorado: 8 Million Boxes
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D