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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Never squat with your spurs on
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.