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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
Exercise? More like extra fries.
Today I am thankful for dirty text messages, stripclubs, and Jack Daniels
I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
I`m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Well it`s almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards