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Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend`s parents.
Mother mosquito: Hey kiddo, how was your first flight? kid mosquito: Great mom! Everyone was clapping for me.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
It`s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
have you ever tried waking up in the morning? its horrible, the sun`s the wrong place and your head is so damn heavy.
If I haven`t offended you, just scroll thru my timeline. It`s in there.
Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones that need the advice?
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.