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Trail mix is just a reminder of how much better it would`ve been if I just ate a bag of M&M`s!
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book at Barnes and Noble and laid them end to end you get thrown out by security and banned from returning.
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches