Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you`re looking for a business manager.
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
"Let the chips fall where they may." -My kids when they`re eating chips on the couch.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Would it be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was "all fun and games" up to that point?
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.