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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I didn`t mean to offend you, that was just a bonus.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
I got food poisoning today. I don`t know when I`ll use it though.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...